Late night scrolling through social media has led me to become more and more angry with (twitter) users who are boasting about how grateful they are for the pandemic because without it occuring, they never would have accomplished x, y, and z. As someone who has accomplished x, y, and z, and more in the midst of the pandemic, I can understand the sentiment that these users are trying to address and share. In any circumstances it is absolutely astounding and exciting to accomplish any goal we set for ourselves, and we all deserve to relish in the praise and pride of said accomplishments, especially when the world is working against us. But being grateful for the opportunities that quarantining provided us is completely different from being grateful for a pandemic that has been the cause of hundreds of thousands of deaths and millions of positive cases or infections. To be quite honest, that idea is offensive.

These numbers aren't just a sequence made for fun, these are real people with real lifes that make a difference and even more importantly mean something of great value. These are mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, cousins, first responders, congressmen, waitresses, tech geeks, clerks, insurance agents, uncles, aunts, grandparents, and more but most importantly every single one of these people are human.

We do not hold value because of what we do, what goals we accomplish, or because of what we look like. We hold value simply because we exist. Our value is found in who we are. And every human is valuable. We are not numbers. We are living, breathing, beautiful people. It is offensive to say that you are grateful for a global event that killed so many of these simply valuable humans. 

The deaths of many, the love and lives lost and divided, the pain and the ache that this disease brought so many people, is NOTHING to be grateful for. There is absolutely nothing about the pandemic worth being grateful for. 

The root of the 2020 pandemic is unknown. It is suspected that the virus was born in an animal and spread to humans after mutating. If humans did not consume animals, then they never would have caught the virus. Additionally, consuming meat has been proven to lead to many health and environmental issues. Furthermore, ancestors of the modern human evolved the way in which they did as a direct result from their plant based diet. As a result of this information, research, and the current pandemic, it is predicted that humans will evolve again to eat less meat and potentially adopt a vegetarian diet. ​

Feminism is currently a movement dedicated to and propelled by women, as it should be. Despite the fact that I am an advocate for "not all men," and feel that feminism needs men (read more here), I experienced a world shattering moment when I read the article about Aziz Ansari on babe.net. If you're unfamiliar, its a report about an anonymous women's date with the celebrity and how it went wrong when he came on to her. You can read it here. After reading the article, I felt broken. I felt like it was me sitting there in that man's room, and that it was me experiencing everything she described. Although details of her story and my own personal experiences aren't exactly the same, the feelings behind this encounter and many of my own encounters are the same. This was the moment when I realized that I am a victim, and that the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements involved me on a significantly more personal level. I wasn't just a supporter for women who experienced heartbreaking encounters with men, I was one of them. My fight became stronger and my fire fueled.

Women are inherently powerful. We create life, art, fight for our rights and the rights of our communities, and add beauty to the world with our simple presence. This is exemplified by timeless women such as Frida Kahlo, Rupi Kaur, Angela Davis, Marsha P. Johnson, and many many others.  Unfortunately, the world has not always viewed women in this light. As mentioned, women had to fight to receive many basic rights, such as the right to vote during the first feminist movement of the 1920s. We have and continue to fight for our right to reproductive healthcare, equal pay, and to be taken seriously in the court of law. The fact that women have to work harder for many basic humanities, and that we still do not have many, is the reason why feminism is important.

Throughout my whole life, I've a very interesting relationship with God and religion. As life moved and flowed forwards, or what sometimes felt backwards, my fluctuation of almost every emotion towards God was profound. Divorce, neglect, abuse, trauma, my first "heartbreak" in middle school, deaths, and all the other colorless aspects that many people experience led me to change and twist and turn in so many different directions in my relationship with God. 

Over spring break, I took a road trip to Arizona to visit two of my closest friends. While I was there, I went on a hike to watch the sunrise over Phoenix. If you know me at all, you know that I am NOT a morning person. Normally, you couldn't catch me anywhere but my bed before 9am. But, there was a desire to experience something new brewing in my chest, and the peace associated with early mornings and driving alone captured my curiosity. One of my regulars at my work had also recommended this hike, specifically at sunrise to me, so I felt obligated to experience it. He knew how magical it was and wanted me to know too. So, at 4:15am, I crawled out of bed and drove in the pitch black darkness towards Camelback Mountain.

A year ago today, the world lost one of it's brightest, most glistening lights. 

Kim was a friend of my father's, and walked into my life when I was 10 years old. She showed me tender, motherly care. She brought me (and sometimes bought tickets to) my first concerts, took me skydiving, taught me music etiquette, feminine power, and how to embrace my sexuality. She was a lover and leader who led by example, and showed me how to communicate to my family, how to be more understanding, independent, and guided me in finding myself, finding love, and beginning healing from heartbreak. She graced the lives of those she encountered with gold and purity. Honesty. Blunt truths and open minded discussions. And not to mention all of the wonderful advice, sometimes followed with tears, that I still hear in my mind today. She was a mother figure and best friend all in one. Although it might be cliche, I truly believe she is an angel now, if she weren't already before. 

The grieving process is very unique to each individual. My initial reaction towards the news was shock, which developed into guilt, and eventually acceptance (despite the fact that it is impossible not to cry on the way to visit her (our?) family). I felt guilty because I did not come to see her the last time that she called me. I didn't even send her a text. My excuse was because I was at work, which I was, but honestly I did not want to see her because I didn't want to see how much the cancer treatments had affected her that week. I didn't want to see her fighting, I didn't want to hear her hope. I didn't want to "deal with it." I wanted to walk in and snuggle up with some warm coffee, without the cancer wiggling it's way in the middle. I thought that I needed a break, some time to process and prepare, when in reality I did not want to see her hurting. I was selfish and to this day I feel rotten with guilt. I was not a good friend to her, and essentially refused to show her the exact kind of love that she had shown to me. 

Everyone makes mistakes. It is impossible to live without regrets. The most I can do is imagine the positives. Since I didn't see her, she had more quality time with her sons, her husband, her mother. She was able to rest and do the little things that she enjoyed doing throughout the day (such as drinking her coffee, lighting candles, talking to her sons, and listening to the radio all day). I was able to learn a valuable lesson, and mold or adjust my thoughts on death towards a more blissful experience (death is not blissful but where she is now is much more beautiful for her, and she's no longer in pain, which is blissful). 

I've always attempted to live more like her, but now I feel very pressured to do so. I feel like I don't have much room to fail, because I'm carrying her perfect legacy on my back (and I'm not even her blood daughter!). I want to be as attentive as she could be, and love my siblings and possible future children the way she loved me, my siblings, and her children. In my own femininity and independence, I want to be an example of the love and leadership that she was, for myself and everyone else I encounter. I want to be as spontaneous and carefree as she was. I wish to forgive myself as graciously as she forgave herself and those who wronged her. I wish every woman possessed the humbleness and self esteem that she had (because we all need it!). Maybe I can be like that, and show others how to as well. 

A year later, I feel as though she would be proud. She would be proud of her boys. She would be proud of my brother. She would be overflowing with joy to see where all the little ones she loved have ended up. I feel like she would be proud of my progress, and support my new goals (with some loving tweaks here and there). She would tell me not to torture myself with scenarios of everything different I could have done when she called me. And in every way that she can show it, she lets me know when she's here with me, us. Her symbols and signs are blatant, and full of the love and direction she gave while she was physically here. 
(Numerology and synchronicity definitely have truth behind them, no one can tell me that she isn't the meaning behind "444"). 

So, a year later, I write this post publicly because this day, and the event to hold its significance, mean something to me. I think secretly I want to feel important and that my grief is important. But, I also want my friends who have been affected by her to remember her. I want those who weren't able to, to understand how much significance she had in the lives she engaged in. I want to announce her, and make her presence known. I want to try to give her the love and respect that she sometimes wasn't given in the ways that I know how (cheesy social media posts and through writing). And I hope that my rambling and selfish admissions are not the takeaway here. Let's remember our mother, our friend, our mentor. Let's remember our passed loved ones with gratefulness and admiration. Let us try to live more like Kim, and rise. 

The following is a letter I wrote to her the day of her funeral. 

I know you asked me to write you a love note before you passed. I was so caught up in my own world and hurts, that I put off writing to you. I didn't want to think about death. Although I knew it was bound to happen. But fuck dude. So soon. I wish I had written it so you could have read it and known. I want you to know how much I love and appreciate you. You took me and my family in as your own, and loved us unconditionally. I will never forget the warm glow that was always pouring out of you, and the way you effortlessly made everyone you encountered feel good. You were the greatest listener with great advice, even if it was blunt and I wasn't ready. Thank you for teaching me confidence, and being the perfect example of someone who respected themselves and others. I hope to have my head on my shoulders as you did. 

When we first met, you became my mother figure. At the time, both of us had mommy issues, and I was thankful to have someone that understood. As the years went on, we became friends, and you became my mentor. I have the utmost respect for you. It's killing me that I can't call you and tell you, or randomly show up and rub your back. I'm sorry I'm so selfish. I don't know what I'm doing, but if I can have the same positive attitude that you had, I know I'm doing something right. You're one of the brightest lights in my world, and I know it'll never burn out, just as my love for you can do nothing but grow. Thank you for loving me and taking care of me. Thank you for the memories that I will hold close to me forever. As I'm writing this, I'm realizing that just as the music that we loved so much will never die, neither will you. And I'm so grateful for that. 

I'll see you soon. 
With love,
Maren

There are a lot of emotions that go into loosing a friend, or ending a friendship. Generally speaking, I felt as though my lost friends had taken so much from me, and had confirmed a lot of the negative things that I felt towards myself before my self care journey. I think I felt as though I was in the wrong for ending a friendship that was all around unhealthy for me, and that I owed this person more of myself than I could give them. I knew that this idea was wrong, and that I needed to spend time thinking about all of the love present around me (there was and is so much!), while also forgiving them and moving on. I also had to forgive myself, because heated arguments in the name of caring about someone somehow led to words that were better left unspoken. I had apologized for all of my own wrong doings, and the way that I handled the falling out. I could have been more mature, shown more grace, and overall more kindness towards my friend, and all of the other friends that left for their own reasons. There was nothing more that I could do at that point, but accept it and move on.

During this time of dwelling on my loneliness, and trying to recognize and appreciate the love around me instead, I realized something very important. All of these wonderful qualities that my close friends have, and exemplify in their daily lives, are the same qualities that I possess and give to them. I am also kind, compassionate, intelligent, and genuine. I try my best to create a space free of judgement so my friends have someone they can rely on. I support my friends through their own trying times, and lift them up when they need it. After ending a toxic friendship, I was able to create a space of appreciation and growth for myself, that led to so many incredible things. I am capable and openly show up as my authentic self, therefore my connections are more authentic than they ever have been. I feel as though I am more myself, or possibly who I was always supposed to be. The value I place on my current friendships is now greater, and my gratitude towards them runs deeper now. Realizing, and then understanding that I am not all of these negative things someone said about me rashly, and that I am not a bad, or furthermore a toxic friend, was a stepping stone in my self care journey. These experiences made me a better friend, a better girlfriend, a better daughter, and ultimately a better stranger.

I am aware that this all may sound self indulgent. Yet, if we can all set our ego aside we can truly appreciate the message of reflection. A conversation has now been opened, and it is time to check and confirm our intentions, our relationships, and our connections. Possibly some questions need to be asked, such as "Is what they just said/did okay with me?" and "What are some of the commonalities between my friends and I?"

It is much easier to love and appreciate others rather than yourself, especially your friends, but when you realize that you hold all of the same qualities in yourself that these people do it is easier to love yourself. It is easier to be tender and grateful. It also leads to growth and knowledge, therefore it is easier to reject people who show "bad friend" qualities early on in the connection or relationship.

Ultimately, the qualities that one values and appreciates in others are the same qualities that we ourselves possess. We are all simply mirrors, reflecting one another to each other. This said reflection should be positive, and ultimately lead to deeper gratitude towards others and ourselves.

​If you're reading this and follow me on any social media platform, or have known me and had a moderately deep conversation with me in the last year, you probably know that I actively preach the concept of being content. I always say to "be content in the moment, because life is always moving up and down." It sounds so cliche. Some people I have spoken to about this have rolled their eyes at me, while others listened with an open mind. In this post, I want to address how I came up with this, dig deeper with what living a life content really means, and why it is important and can benefit anyone willing to listen. 

In April and part of May last year, I was homeless for a bit. I eventually moved into my friend's house for a month, and started saving all of the money that I could from both of my full time jobs. Towards the end of May, I moved into my own apartment with my close friend at the time, and officially began "living the big girl life." I started talking to, and dating my old neighbor/friend on-and-off, and everything seemed great. I loved living on my own, my roommate and I got along really well, and I made a lot of new friends within my apartment complex, while my other friends helped us out with anything that they could (think groceries, gas money, coming over and cleaning the place, buying us things we might need around the house, etc). I mended things with my parents and they even came over for dinners and swam in the community pool a few times with me over summer. I got a promotion at one job, and quit the other one that I had. Life was great again! I wasn't homeless anymore, I had undying support from all of the people around me, and all of my relationships were strong and full of love and respect. Then June rolled around. My car broke down, I got fired from my job, I couldn't afford my part of rent/bills, and my questionable relationship with my old neighbor came to a final end. I was broke and although I had a great support system, no one could really buy me a new car or pay for everything that I needed to pay for. I began stress drinking and partying instead of handling my responsibilities. After a few days of binge drinking, I applied to numerous businesses and was hired at 2 places within the span of a week. At this point I was working two full time jobs again. My dad helped me buy a new car and I paid him back in monthly installments. Another friend of my roommate and I moved in with us so everything was a little cheaper for all of us. And one of my guy friends and I started crushing on each other, and we had a great time pretending to be just friends. Everything is great again! Then fast forward to August and I have a boyfriend and it's not an on-and-off again, half ass relationship. I was struggling financially still but could afford everything that I needed to. Everything is pretty good and then.... I got into a very serious hit and run car accident.

Do you see the pattern? Everything is great! Then it sucks. Everything is great again! And then it sucks again. Life is constantly moving up and down. I noticed this pattern in my own life and pondered why it was this way. I started thinking about how it has always been like this, and it's not just my life that is constantly fluctuating either.

I began the big girl life with goals towards happiness that I was moving forward to. Yet, it seemed like every time I reached that goal or achieved "happiness" that it ended abruptly and I had to start over again. I was treating happiness as if it were the destination on the journey of life. But after picking up on this pattern, I realized that this is not how life works. This is not how happiness works or is achieved. I needed to find a middle ground, where my expectations were not too high so that I couldn't be disappointed, but my goals were not too small to where I never moved forward. I needed to find a place in the middle where everything wasn't horrendous, but also where the great high times weren't what I was working for. This is how I decided to live a life of feeling content. 

"Content" is defined as "in a state of peaceful happiness; a state of satisfaction," and a few appropriate synonyms would include "satisfied" and "gratified" (Oxford). I practiced gratefulness for the good things in my life, and was satisfied with where I was on my journey, even if I wasn't where I wanted to be or didn't have everything that I wanted. Although I had found this middle ground and was all around satisfied, I kept working towards my goals and having everything that I wanted in life. I also decided that this journey had no destination, because as soon as you get to where you want to be, life happens. And sometimes when you reach that point and life doesn't kick you down, you begin working to have more. It's crazy and ironic if you think about it, which is why I would argue that sanity and genuine gratefulness cannot be achieved unless one is satisfied with the good and the bad. There has to be a safe space in the middle. This peace, satisfaction, and grateful state of being despite what is happening around you is being content. Once you actively decide to be content with whatever direction life takes you, or with the consequences of your decisions, you will find peace. If you stop living as though life is a battle that must be won, you will realize that there is no destination. There is no finish line. The only destination we'll ever reach in our lives is death.

Now in no way, shape, or form am I saying to live life passively and still be content. If you want something, work for it! If you want to move, then move! You are still in control of your life and should still have goals that you want to reach (and you still should try to achieve them). I am only saying to live life in a state of being satisfied with where ever you are, while still actively working towards where you want to be.

Living your life with this mindset is incredibly freeing. It allows you to become more humble, and help put into perspective what is really important to you. Nothing can truly disappoint you, and all of the good doesn't get to your head. You are merely at peace. It is quite beneficial to anyone who decides to adopt this idea because it is an almost permanent peace around you. I suppose that in a sense, it allows the dust around you to settle. Living content is not easy and it's impossible to consistently think and believe these things in the same way that it is impossible to be 100% positive and happy all of the time. You'll have moments and stages in life where you are tremendously happy and it appears as though nothing can bring you down. Yet, you will also experience moments of dread, sadness, anger or anything "bad" and it seems like nothing that you can say to yourself will make you feel better or grateful. This is just life constantly rolling up and down. And that is okay. It's actually everyone's reality. Practicing living content is a way to allow inner peace in, and accept things as the way that they are.

​ Recently there has been an incredible self care movement. There is an enormous amount of self help books, along with various social media posts that encourage solving your problems by taking care of yourself. It's actually quite a wonderful thing. Self love and self care are lacking in most of us, and I would argue that it is harder for millennials to grasp these than other generations before us. 

The only thing that I have an issue with is the solutions that many people provide and practice. Many people preach that the way to feel better about yourself, or practice self love is to slap on a face mask, take a bath, listen to some music that you like, and magically find peace within yourself. I won't lie, I have done and do those things and does help. I'm not saying that its a bad thing to take a bath, or use a face mask, or be alone and be okay with it. All of these things are great! But... what happens after your bath water isn't warm anymore? After the 10 minutes you're supposed to take off that face mask? When your favorite playlist ends, or even worse, when you find yourself skipping every song because you don't want to listen to anything? 
In moments like this for me, I feel like I am merely putting a band aid on my self worth. I don't actually address what I don't like about myself or even attempt to work on it or accept it. I am not actually purely loving myself, and I fear that many others may feel similar, we just don't discuss it.

​I started the beginning of this year in a relationship with the man of my dreams. He was absolutely wonderful, and everything I could have ever wanted or needed in a partner. I felt so secure in this relationship, because it was healthy and we were all around happy. I was content with being alone, and I often found myself preferring to be by myself because I was secure with who I was. When I got out of the shower, I would check myself out in the mirror. I started lounging around my house naked because I was comfortable with my body. I never doubted my abilities or character, and was very confident. Although I never placed my worth in him, all of this happy content-ness and love that I had for myself disappeared when we broke up. In the midst of dealing with a break up, other problems arose in my life. I hated being alone. I became the unproductive stoner. I lost all of my hope and ambitions. I stopped taking care of myself. I started to fall behind in school, I was slacking at my job, and my relationships with my friends and family started to go south. Most importantly, my relationship with myself was unhealthy. I struggled with suicidal ideation. I was full of self loathing and couldn't understand why everything in my life suddenly came crashing down all at once. In April, I began seeing a therapist. I was depressed, and as she put it, I was having a "minor existential crisis." She helped me put my emotions into words, and see my experiences from a different perspective. She helped me accept that I wasn't okay and that that was okay. I had to reach a breaking point with her before I could begin to actively make a change in my life. The most important question that she asked me was "If everything was good right now, what would you be doing?" After many mornings of letting this question boil in my brain, I began to remember my motivations and my goals. I realized that there were a lot of things that I wanted to do, and many places that I wanted to go to. I realized that, in fact, I did NOT want to die. 

I began my journey of self care by talking to myself. I know that sounds crazy, but it worked. I would speak out loud and tell myself comforting words that I would tell someone else in a similar position to my own. I would hold myself and rub my head instead of crying myself to sleep. I wrote down my goals, and made a list of places I wanted to go to. I even made little positive affirmation cards and posted them in my room. I acknowledged that the lifestyle I was living was unhealthy for me, and came up with alternative ways to spend my time. I invested into this blog. I forced myself to journal, even if I wanted to rot away in my room instead. I began writing more songs and creating tracks on GarageBand. I wrote poetry. I started watching a new tv series in the name of a "new era." I ended a toxic friendship and stopped drinking. I traveled and started going out of the house to do things I enjoyed, like going to the beach or on a drive. I began taking care of my physical health. I even took a few a baths and used a few face masks. 

​Currently, I am still practicing self care and self love. I'm still seeing a therapist. I am constantly reminding myself of who I am. I feel as though I am going back to my roots. I even went back to church to connect with old friends and spend time with God. It wasn't until I started acknowledging that I wasn't okay, and working towards getting to a point where I was okay, that I found myself again. I put in many gruesome nights of thinking, writing, feeling, and forgiving. I actively made an effort to be better as an individual. I've found hope again. I've found a new confidence in myself that cannot be shattered. 

Self care is a journey, and like almost all other journeys, there really is no destination. Rather, its a state of being. Self love is attained through work, just like any other thing in life that is worth having. Spending time to relax is not a bad thing. Taking care of yourself is an amazing and necessary part of life. Its powerful and terrific, but it is so much deeper than a face mask. ​