Pondering Vulnerability

I decided to quit Oath of a Pearl late last year because consistently keeping up with content (writing specifically), paying for the website and domain itself, and my perception of how my creative work is received were feeling heavy and more like a burden than a freeing and creative expression. I recently visited Tulum, and I theorize that the new culture and environment allowed me to view home and myself at home in California from an outside perspective. I realized that the pandemic influenced my ability to be vulnerable and allowed me to experience all parts of the spectrum. Now, I am home and grounded with a better understanding of balance. 

In the past, I would spill my guts publically on here because I didn't have anything to lose. During and primarily after the pandemic (is it even over?), I became very reserved and was not sharing anything at all. I feel like I lost my ability to vulnerable, and in turn traded in one of my strengths for fear that I had previously conquered. In hindsight, I was oversharing and now boundaries are more well understood. It all comes back to balance and context. 

Additionally, I am finally understanding what so many others before me have understood and practiced. The number doesn't matter. I was placing the value of my creative work in how many views, likes, etc it received. I now see that it is 100% ok and my creativity is just as valid if 50 people see it or 100 or 100,000. I feel like I'm almost there or have arrived in understanding that even if what I create only touches 1 person, that it is valid and important.

This epiphany, in conjunction with so many others but primarily that "the number doesn't matter," have led me to this post. My relationship with vulnerability, creativity, and authenticity are changing. I'm coming home to myself. I'm trusting myself and my process. And Oath of a Pearl is here to stay. 

And so is my poetry book. It may not resonate with me now, but that is how it is supposed to be. If the things I felt and and wrote about 3-5 years ago were still relevant now, that would mean that I was not evolving. Plus, the poetry book is my first tangible piece of work and I was immensely proud of it when it was published. I'm moving on to new things, but that doesn't mean I want to leave the poetry book behind. 

With all of this being said, welcome back! 

Playlist: sprouting